Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Burial Ground: Nights of Terror

Here's the thing, I love zombie movies.  Since the first time I saw Night of the Living Dead (thanks basic cable) my life was changed.  I was around eight at the time and it would be fair to say that my obsession with horror started right then.  Being haunted by the fact that no one survived and Ben got shot in the head even though he was human, I began seeking out everything horror, and more specifically zombies.

Nowadays there are a million zombie movies though.  Ones based on classic books, but with zombies, ones where scouts fight zombies, it is a bit out of control.  Thanks Walking Dead/ Dawn of the Dead remake/ Resident Evil, you have ruined it for me.  The worst thing however is zombie comedy.  Don't get me wrong, I like Shaun of the Dead as much as the next guy but after the fiftieth zombie comedy, you tend to stop finding it funny.  Burial Ground keeps getting funnier every time I see it though.  You probably need explanation, so on to the review.

A bearded man who is a professor of something informs us that only he knows the secret to whatever it is that he knows while pouring over some book and a couple of papers.  Shortly after he gets eaten by what we can assume is zombies due to the lighting being poor.  Though this may be due to my VHS copy.

So a bunch of people arrive at a mansion for some reason in three cars.  One woman who I learn later is named Leslie, is wearing a kinky outfit and she says that she found in the room they are staying in. To which her husband/lover replies, "You look just like a little whore, but I like that." and then they bang.  A shadowy figure creeps up on them and in a surprise turn of events, the figure is actually creeping up on a different husband and wife.  They are his parents George, and Evelyn whose name I only discovered by writing down other people's names and then fact checking with the credits.  I don't recall her name being spoken.  That is just how this movie is so I will forgo the other explanations of this.  Anyway Evelyn's son is Michael and he is played by Peter Bart, a rather short adult.  Oddly he is dubbed by someone who passes for a kid even less when it comes to vocals.  From what I gather from the context, George is a step dad.  Peter Bart, looks like this


True face of horror right?  So then a blonde in her night clothes named Janet immediately says to her husband/boyfriend named Mark that something bad is going to happen, but he puts an end to her paranoid ramblings by making out with her.  Then zombies appear and shamble along to let you know that this is a zombie movie.

Everyone is arguing at the dinner table and it turns out they had all been invited to the Professor in the beginning who has been researching the undead.  I looks like they don't have to go far to find out more about it though.  After a brief discussion, most of them go outside.  Janet is out taking pictures with her husband and she is apparently clumsy.  The lights start acting strange at the house and begin to explode which scares the maid and butler.  Of course we are now treated to zombies coming out of seemingly everywhere to attack Janet and Mark as they are about to bang outside.  Then even more zombies come out to a cacophony of annoying electronic sounds.

Evelyn, George, and Michael are in some room with statues where the two adults are playing with firearms with their eyes closed.  Suddenly Michael gets really clingy with his mom.  Zombies attack them though and they try to shoot the things but it doesn't work.  It actually looks gross and kind of cool when they are shot in slow motion.  The zombies kill George and start tearing apart his stomach.  This also looks cool.  Michael escapes with mommy.

When you are a clumsy person you end up getting stuck in bear traps that are just laying around, just like Janet does.  As Janet and Mark struggle with the trap rather hilariously, zombies come for them.  So Mark grabs a pitchfork, but quickly loses it and waits for the zombie to wrap its hands around his neck.  Luckily James and Leslie arrive with rocks to smash some zombie heads, which looks pretty gruesome.


Zombies appear to be surrounding the cars, so they have to try and get back into the mansion.  After doing so, the zombies give up and they start to board up the place.  The maid goes off searching in the dark and looks out a window where her hand gets skewered by a zombie with excellent throwing skills.  Afterwards her head is sawed off by a scythe.  The zombies rip her apart and then equip themselves with sharp objects to hack through the door.  So James goes on a head exploding spree.

Janet seems to have only bruised her ankle from the bear trap.  While Leslie is looking around a zombie breaks through the window and tries to "Zombi 2" Leslie's eye, but the glass misses and gets her face.  Janet can't escape the zombies coming in, but Mark and James start bashing skulls for her.  Then Evelyn machetes some zombies to protect her son.  Michael returns the favor by trying to suckle on his mother's breast and fondling her.  Evelyn rejects her son's advances.

The group decides to let the zombies in and walk past them because zombies are slow, which seems stupid.  So Evelyn goes looking for Michael and follows a blood trail to where Leslie is munching down on her son.  Evelyn smashes her to death on a bathtub.

The zombies get in so the crew goes walking around.  Somehow, just the butler runs into the Professor who is now a zombie and gets killed.  Day comes and they make their escape to a monastery where the priests are all zombies.  James is killed in this fiasco so Mark, Janet and Evelyn escape to a workshop of some kind where they find zombie Michael.  Evelyn is so happy to see her son that she let's him suckle her, at which point he tears her nipple off with his teeth.  As she is being eaten, the zombies shove Mark's face into a table saw and surround Janet.  The End.

This movie is made up of chaos, very little plot, and some pretty offensive material.  There is a decent amount of naked ladies, a lot of violence, and one scene with both.  The movie is mostly remembered now for Peter Bart and his on screen mother's relationship, and justifiably so.  The first time I saw this I could not believe what was going on.  I have now watched the movie three times.  I recommend this to hardcore horror fans and those that are already used to Italian horror films.  This movie is pure chaotic enjoyment.  Sure the character's logic makes no sense and very little is explained, but who cares.  This movie is exactly what it needs to be, totally ridiculous and awesome.

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