Robo Vampire

In 1988, a man named Godfrey Ho dared to take two movies that were unrelated (but surprisingly neither involved ninjas) and make a strange cult film that the internet chose to remember for some reason.  Those of you who watch internet reviewers have probably already seen a review for this movie by someone, and likely this means you are familiar with Godfrey Ho as well.  The man made a career of making low or no budget films at a dizzying rate.  It didn't matter if a movie of his failed to make any money because there were always a few more on the way already.  Often times he would get stock footage or buy unfinished films to make up a portion of his movies and film new scenes to make it complete.  This had the unfortunate effect of making them pretty incoherent.  Regardless, lets look at this crazy thing.

To start with, Army guys leading a person covered in denim to... somewhere are attacked by a hopping vampire dude when they start opening coffins for seemingly no reason.  That is how this movie starts.  Then a guy with a mustache comes down some stairs and says,"We must find a way to handle Tom, that goddamn anti drug agent."  His has employed a Taoist and his lackeys to train some vampires.

So a guy named Ken, who likes to dress as Waldo is busy at work loading vampires and drugs into some coffins.  I think the plan is for the vampires to protect the drugs or something.  A guy wearing black scolds him momentarily for screwing around and after Ken hits his nuts the vampires wake up, so fighting ensues.  They stop the vampires with their exorcising papers or whatever and soon discover the drugs they have are not real.

Taoist, the leader of the vampire trainers wakes one up in another scene to show off his sweet vampire wrangling abilities, but is soon interrupted by a woman named Christine.  She wears see through clothes and is hellbent on revenge due to the vampire being her husband.  This causes them to no longer be able to spend eternity together, so naturally she is mad.  Then the vampire wakes up and starts attacking her, but suddenly stops when he recognizes her sweet gecko tattoo.  Taoist and crew start to refer to her as a ghost and she decides to help them as long as she is allowed to get married to her vampire husband.  This relationship is too confusing for me.  A vampire and a ghost, but they have to get remarried?  Why?  Oh, the vampire is named Peter by the way.  But most importantly, where the hell are all the robots I was promised?

Anyway, Taoist and crew are driving along the road when they are ambushed by Army guys with what seems to be automatic shotguns.  They send out a vampire who shoots some fireworks and kills a guy named Tom.  Some people are working on poor Tom and one of them says, "I want to make use of his body to make an android like robot."  So after a verbal application is submitted, they make Robo Tom.  They refer to him as Robo Warrior and he looks like this

So another movie is going on where some blonde agent is kidnapped and they send a dude out to save her.  That continues and I get bored, but what I didn't know is that most of the rest of the actual Robo Vampire part of the movie is just Tom fighting vampires, which is cool.  Eventually the other movie grows on me as it has decent fight scenes, and some violence.  Robo Tom eventually faces off against the ghost, and her husband that have some lovin' together (though not much) and he also kills the Taoist.  The other movie gets rid of the other characters.

Robo Vampire is a pretty strange movie overall.  The cover with a picture of Robocop is what usually makes people watch it.  The movie has some decent violence and martial arts sequences, and some really bad robot fighting vampire scenes.  There is also some naked ladies, so at least they checked that off the list.  The story is fairly scattered and unimportant when it comes down to it, and that's odd considering there are two of them kind of.  Another thing to note is that there is a part where a woman cuts open a real dead animal and stuffs drugs into it.  For me, this is hard to watch.  I recommend this to a bunch of drunk people, or anyone who seeks out "bad movies" in general as this is not good in terms of quality.  I would also recommend it to Godfrey Ho fans that haven't seen it.  Normal human beings could probably skip it though.  I mostly enjoyed what it had to offer, but there are better Godfrey Ho movies out there and I will probably just watch one of those next time I feel the need for something like this.  Better Godfrey Ho movies with Ninjas, and Zombies.